Monday, July 21, 2008

Of stereotypical retarded pretentious wannabe urban Indian youth

Do you abhor the average urban young Indian who can't stop showing off his knowledge about the latest cell phones? Do you find superficial taste in music & movies cultivated by peer pressure nauseating? Do you detest people who try to portray themselves as somebody they are not (and fail miserably at that)? How many times have you felt like taping somebody's mouth, kicking them HARD in the nuts, and follow it by writing "I AM A PRETENTIOUS RETARD" on their forehead? If your answer is affirmative to any of the above questions, read on....

I've been living in my colony for 5 years. I'm accustomed to the sight of this one guy, who has never worn anything except baggy jeans (or maybe its pure luck that had him wear super low baggy jeans every time he caught my eye). New hairstyles (which were considered to be the 'in' thing, at that point of time) stupid earrings, new cellphones every month and other forms of pretentious vanity have always been synonymous with him, atleast to me.

Don't get me wrong. I don't have any prejudice against fancy hairstyles, baggy jeans, cell phones, football jerseys or vanity. I have a condescending viewpoint of the pretentiousness associated with it. When people who don't have a clue about Nirvana or Metallica wear Cobain/Nirvana/Metallica T shirts, it is quite irritating. I have a condescending view of people who are responsive to adolescent or teenage 'trends', damning their own choices, opinions and interests.

So lets call this guy Mr X. My younger brother interacts with Mr X and his younger brother, so let me present to you some anecdotes by Mr X (courtesy - my brother) -
"I change my girlfriends faster than my cellphone" - Yeah right. I'm sure you found this on the "HoW tO Be CoOL" community on orkut.
"Honda civic is too boring, it reaches 60 km/h in 10 seconds." - Ok, Auto freak, I know you've tested the Bugatti Veyron. Plus the fact is unwarranted - I've had a ride in my cousin's Civic which speeds upto more than 60 km/h in 10 seconds. I'm sure about that.

I happened to have the misfortune of speaking to Mr X a week back. His interests - collecting mobile phones, bragging and bluffing about inane stuff. Ofcourse, he didn't mention the latter two. The only good thing about him seems to be the fact that he is manipulative, and makes money out of it (cell phone trade!) (on second thoughts, he could be bluffing about that too). That was the first time I spoke to him in the 5 years of my stay here.

Today, I ventured out of my house, and I wasn't wearing my spectacles. I saw this face glued to a cellphone looking towards me. He waved at me. I waved back, out of sheer courtesy. I didn't realise it was Mr X until I had finished waving. The moment I recognised him, my mind started to sulk.

As I prepared for an inane conversation driven by a double digit IQ, I walked towards him. We shook hands.

He continued talking to Miss Y. Meanwhile, he desperately tried to make faces and convey the fact that a girl was 'after' him, since she was talking to him and wasn't letting go of him. The reality was that he wasn't exactly saying anything which would prompt her to disconnect. Obviously, facial expressions weren't being transmitted. The moment he disconnected, he said, in quintessential Dilli Ingliss, "Arre yaar, this girl toh doesn't leave me only! Just because I don't ignore her, she gives me missed calls! (Read : BHAAV)" Yeah, retard, I'm supposed to believe that. You're pretending to be too cool to talk to her, while the fact is that you're the motherfucker who returned her missed call. You're the motherfucker who's giving her bhaav by calling her. And then you try to eyewash others, by pretending to not ignore her (while you're pretending to want to)... bah!

Phase one wasn't bad enough. Out came the famed device, which has revolutionized India, the cellphone! (in my opinion, it was an old ugly Nokia Phone)

My opinion notwithstanding, pat came out showoff attempt # 2, "You see this SEXXXY phone? I love collecting phones. It was a revolutionary (now now, he didn't use that word) phone 2 years back, blah blah blah".

I said, "OK. What else?".

I had made a mistake, apparently.

"You know I went to Atta market today, I saw this SEXXXXXYYYY chinese phone. It looked like a Marlboro packet from one side. The other side was a phone! Turn it around, and you have a keyboard. You can also store your fags in there (I hope he meant cigarettes by that). It also had a hidden camera, you can take pics of anything/anybody without them knowing. How cool is that?"

I suppose India TV could do with new sting operation personnel. But seriously, are these people sick or what? His statement reeked of tendencies to invade personal privacy and voyeurism. If you want to see good looking women, you have plenty of options online, which are free of cost and consented by those women. These kind of guys click stupid pics all over the place and then log on to 'desi masala' forums and post inane pictures of normal people, clicked without consent with thread titles like "HOT AUNTY WITH BIG BOOBS SPOTTED IN XYZ MALL".... You should check out any desi masala forum to get my drift.

I had a query on the Nokia E series phones. I asked him. His reply - "Ah. You know I never really liked Nokia E series phones, their design was not SEXXXXY." I can understand him not finding Nokia E series 'SEXXY', but don't fucking pretend to know all there is to cell phones. The E70 is a great model, which maybe doesn't get him a hard on, but it does have great features and functionality.

X: "I have 3 sim cards. 1 Rajasthan, 2 Delhi. Whenever I applied for an internship, I put my 9810xxxxxx Delhi number in there, it impresses the corporate people. 9810 is 10 years old, I was one of the first people in Delhi to get a mobile connection...."

I'm sorry. WHAT? Not only did he have the knowledge of cellphone number prefixes designated to Delhi, he also knew how old they were.(and the nobel prize for inane joblessness goes to...)

Firstly, it would be ridiculous if normal people knew mobile number prefixes designated to particular cities. Secondly, even if they knew it, it would be incredibly stupid for them
to judge a prospective employee on that basis. There's something called the 'Home Address' which indicates your location, not your cellphone number prefix. And I doubt if Home Address is any proof of your skills for the job, let alone your cellphone number. Maybe it was the prospective employee in this case.

Phase three. Inane education talk. "I'm going to start a Mashter (sic) course in Fashion Business somecrap at NIFT Kolkata. You know NIFT, this that.. Its like an MBA in Fashion" Ok Cool. I didn't expect you to get into NIFT. But still, I know many dimwitted dumbfucks at BITS, so there's no reason why you can't get into NIFT. Then came the bomb.

"You know I never wanted to study. I wanted to be a bass vocalist." (i think Steve DiGorgio or Bruce Dickinson also wouldnt know what a bass vocalist is. Maybe Himmesh does, though). "We were about to perform, but we had to disband. My band members failed a year, and their parents called them back to Delhi." Thank God for that, I say.

Now, I do play (try to, rather, hey I'm modest :P) guitar myself and know a fair bit about music, especially rock/metal. So I decided to ask him a few 'innocent' queries.

Most probably, my looks gave away the fact that I was into 'ingliss' rock/metal. Or maybe, my brother told him that I liked music. That would aptly explain this tactic of his to impress me. Also my brother told me that this chap usually speaks in Saadi Dilli Hindi. I don't know why he was making desperate attempts to talk to me in English, despite me speaking in Hindi. I don't have anything against people who are not proficient with the English language (I myself am far from proficient). I have a problem with pretentious bitches. Why don't people understand that speaking in Hindi, as opposed to broken English will form a much better impression? English interspersed with 'yaar' 'sexxxy' doesn't make you any 'kEwLeR', kewl d00d.

X : "We were about to make it big you know. Our guitarist was god you know. He had a sexy black curved ELECTRONIC Geetar. He used to sound so awesome with distortion and all. He was a SEXXXY guitarist. He used to play Linkin Park. The DRUMMIST also.. he purchased his own drumkit!"

Me : "But err... Linkin Park hardly has any god guitar work, you know, anybody who has been playing for 2-3 months would easily rip through all Linkin Park songs" (I tried my best to abstain from expressing my opinion on Linkin park. After all, I'm trying to expose the fake person that he was trying to be, not indulge in anti LP rhetoric)

Me : "So what did you guys play? Where did you play?" (to be honest, I was expecting Jal/Strings)

X : "You know we did the usual 2 Linkin Park songs, 1 Parikrama song. We were going to play at our college fest."

Music talk not extending beyond Linkin Park/Eminem/Evaneshuns is one thing , and is OK, if you ask me. Claiming to be a rock band member/god in a similar scenario is another.

The bubble burst. This asshole was talking as if his 'band' was on the brink of exploding onto the music scene and earning millions. I'll cut the crap about what kind of success a rock band can achieve in India. On one hand, established american bands with record deals & financial backing like Machine Head have day jobs, and here, you have this typical wannabe kewl d00d, ready to quit his education in pursuit of his 'music' dreams and career, pretending to be a Rock God in broken English, while the only band he has heard of is Linkin Park. I forgot to mention the lack of any musical skills or training whatsoever. Buying equipment doesn't make you a rock god. Atleast Amul voice of India/Indian Idol participants make sure that they can sing before aiming to win these contests, even if their optimism is highly unrealistic. Also the bit about their college fest. It's a local college in Alwar, Rajasthan. No prizes for guessing what sort of a launch an obscure college's fest can give to a 'rock' band's career. No issues with the college, but this guy sure as hell is hallucinating if he thinks that playing on stage in a college fest is going to make him famous and wealthy.

By now, I was aching to go back home. Fate had it otherwise. His conversation was interspersed with bits from his trips to LUNDONN and DOOBAAII..

X : "I love driving cars. I keep watching YouTube videos on burn outs, wheelies . I practice them on my car too." Then, he pointed to a short 20m strip of road and said, "I can burnout here. I can also do wheelies in such a short distance. I once drove a Honda civic at 208 km/h on the Delhi Noida Expressway."

Guess what retard. I'm not impressed. In all probability, he couldn't pull off any of the tricks he was bragging about. Even if he could, no common sense would explain his out-of-context arbitrary decision to enlighten me about his car stunt capabilities. Also, driving at such high speeds on a highway meant for normal commuters means threat to life and property, which constitutes uncivilized behaviour.

Now came the ultimate stamp on his ignorance.

X : "After I get to kolkata, I'll keep going to Goa and Bangalore for weekend fun. I'll go by train. I mean, trains are so fucking cheap! 1500 bucks only for an overnight journey to Goa/Bombay/Blore! Why spend 5 GRAAAANDS on a flight ticket!" (how yankee is that, GRAANDS in haryanvi accent!)

Ok I know you're a rich spoilt brat. 1500 bucks is nothing for you. But still, why brag about it? Humility and modesty, anybody? Your wealth certainly doesn't reflect mentally. To me, you're just a male Indian wannabe Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan. (I hope my mentally hyperactive friends do not take this in any context other than literal)

What? Overnight TRAIN journeys from Kolkata to Goa/Bombay/B'lore? I had to take the pain of enlightening him that such large distances cannot be covered by train in a night, unless it was Japan/Korea/Europe. Also, I told him that he would have to add 24/48 hours to his calculated journey time... and that he conveniently excluded 1 whole day from his journey time.

And, I heaved a sigh of relief. Got back home. Come on, chant with me in chorus, "RETARDS RULE". They provide great entertainment. The planet is overpopulated with them.

This reminds me of an interview of Dr. Atanu Dey (a renowned Indian blogger) where he said - "I pursued Mechanical engineering, but I didn't quite like Machines. Then I pursued Computer Science. I found computers artificially dumb. I decided to do a PhD in Economics since I found the planet abundant with human stupidity, which seemed to be the most intriguing thing."

Also, "There are two infinite things - the universe and human stupidity. The former I'm not sure of." - Albert Einstein.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

How to make the most of a day

Step 1 - Don't try sleeping for more than 8 hours, because if you do, you'll end up having a headache and fall asleep again, resulting in you sleeping for over 15-16 hours a day (has happened to me many times). A bad way to waste a day.

Step 2 - Wake up, drink hot milk, and SHIT. Yes. SHIT. Tatti. Potty. Kakka. Provides immense relief and makes you feel a lot fresher (and lighter).

You'll be up and running within no time if you do these two things. Tried and tested. Take my word for it. I know it is hard for some people to believe that I shit daily since my farts are omnipresent (they're smelly, I don't make much noise when I fart, and I take pride in claiming that it was me who farted), but err yeah, thats the way it is.

I woke up 1 hour ago. Its time for me to be the good executioner that I am, and execute step 2!